Okay, so going into episode two, let's recap where everyone is:
Lucas is married... to Brooke! No wait, it's Peyton! Um, it's Lindsey? No, it's a dream sequence, and he's in the airport, waiting for... Peyton, which is exactly what we expected all along. They're in Vegas, getting married, or maybe they're not, I'm not entirely sure, because I spent a lot of the episode watching on mute because I was on the phone with the f.
Dan is not dead after he was hit by a car... but he's in the hospital. No, wait, he's in a room made up to look like a hospital room, and his fake nurse is - wait for it - Fran, the Nutjob Nanny! This is her elaborate revenge scheme to get Jamie back. I get the feeling that this week, she will make Dan re-write his last book so that her favorite character doesn't die.
Nathan's back hurts.
Haley is doing something.
Skills is sleeping with Nathan's mom. Yeah.
Mouth is leaving for Omaha, and wants Millie to go with him. Millie decides to go, but changes her mind, because Brooke is going to war with her mom for control of the company. How exciting! Brooke, ever the martyr, tells Millie to go, and the show's two "unattractive" people ride off into the sunset. Even more exciting, Brooke is attacked by a masked man as she locks up the store for the night. Is it an Oedipal plot? Find out in two minutes!
Showing posts with label OTH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OTH. Show all posts
Monday, September 8, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
Or, you could watch the RNC
We're just over an hour from the premiere of One Tree Hill, and when we last saw the gang, Lucas was sitting in the airport with two tickets to Vegas, proposing to his phone. We also saw Brooke, Peyton, and Lindsey on their respective phones. Who is on the receiving end of the proposal? Well, if it's Brooke, that would just be weird. As for Lindsey, she just got done telling Lucas that, when she told him she was seeing someone else - thus causing him to flip out and assault a high-schooler, possibly costing him his coaching job - she was lying. "Hey, sorry I f%$@ed with your mind and screwed up your life" doesn't strike me as the sort of thing that would lead to a proposal. Seriously, if it's Lindsey, this is going to be a short season of recaps.
Also to be answered: Will Mouth really quit his job and move to Omaha? Will Millie the Absurdly Gorgeous Frumpy Girl go with him? Is Dan finally dead? Will everything this season be Nathan's fault? Will Skills have a meaningful plot line? Tune in tonight and see!
Also to be answered: Will Mouth really quit his job and move to Omaha? Will Millie the Absurdly Gorgeous Frumpy Girl go with him? Is Dan finally dead? Will everything this season be Nathan's fault? Will Skills have a meaningful plot line? Tune in tonight and see!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Just Like Ross and Rachel
And It All Goes To Hell.
It's all a little hard to follow, actually, what with flashbacks and flash-forwards and dream sequences, but everything definitely goes wrong. Maybe.
Nathan comes home, but not really. Moira Kelly comes home, really. Then there's a wedding, but not really. Peyton speaks instead of holding her peace, but not really. Lucas says "I do," but he doesn't really mean it. Suddenly, two things happen:
1) Jamie goes to the bathroom. This seems unimportant when you read it here, but there are actually two more things that make this important:
a) Dan is parked outside.
b) Fran the Nutjob Nanny is hanging out upstairs.
This looks bad, doesn't it? But we'll leave that subplot for a second, because the second thing is:
2) Lindsey says, "I don't." Presumably, she does mean it.
See, Lindsey was reading Lucas's book, too - the one that Haley was reading last week - and she's figured out that, like the previous book, it's about Peyton. Lucas denies it, but what else is he going to do? She's already in the dress, for Pete's sake. Lindsey leaves, and she won't likely be back, leaving Lucas and Peyton to be this show's Pam & Jim, or Sam & Diane, or those two kids on that show about the six friends, what was it called again?
We have no time for awkward relationships, though, because we have to get back to thing one: Jamie is missing. Everybody panics, which, admittedly, is exactly what everybody should do. Haley mentions seeing Dan, and everybody panics again. Nathan jumps in front of a police car, and manages to avoid getting tasered long enough to get an APB out. Unfortunately, it's on the wrong person, because the Nanny-not-named-Fran has Jamie in a hotel room. Her plan to usurp the role of Mommy has hit a snag, though: she has forgotten hair dye. She runs out to get some, and when she gets back, Jamie is hiding. Fran seeks, and finds - Dan. Dan constructively expresses his displeasure with Fran. Okay, he actually pins her to a wall by the throat, but maybe he feels bad about using violence to solve his problems. Okay, probably not, but at least Jamie is waiting in the car. I think. He doesn't appear to be in the room.
Back at the Scott household, everybody blames themselves. I think everybody also blames Nathan, because this season has been about how everything that goes wrong is subtly Nathan's fault. There are a lot of police, but they must all have poor eyesight or keep turning their backs at exactly the right moments, because everybody misses Jamie walking right into the middle of the room. Not only that, Dan must be one heck of an evasive driver, because every cruiser in Tree Hill is looking specifically for him, and he managed to drive across town without being spotted. Anyway, he waits long enough for Jamie to be received, then makes his own dramatic entrance. We fade out before he is tackled by every officer in the room. New episodes start in a month.
It's all a little hard to follow, actually, what with flashbacks and flash-forwards and dream sequences, but everything definitely goes wrong. Maybe.
Nathan comes home, but not really. Moira Kelly comes home, really. Then there's a wedding, but not really. Peyton speaks instead of holding her peace, but not really. Lucas says "I do," but he doesn't really mean it. Suddenly, two things happen:
1) Jamie goes to the bathroom. This seems unimportant when you read it here, but there are actually two more things that make this important:
a) Dan is parked outside.
b) Fran the Nutjob Nanny is hanging out upstairs.
This looks bad, doesn't it? But we'll leave that subplot for a second, because the second thing is:
2) Lindsey says, "I don't." Presumably, she does mean it.
See, Lindsey was reading Lucas's book, too - the one that Haley was reading last week - and she's figured out that, like the previous book, it's about Peyton. Lucas denies it, but what else is he going to do? She's already in the dress, for Pete's sake. Lindsey leaves, and she won't likely be back, leaving Lucas and Peyton to be this show's Pam & Jim, or Sam & Diane, or those two kids on that show about the six friends, what was it called again?
We have no time for awkward relationships, though, because we have to get back to thing one: Jamie is missing. Everybody panics, which, admittedly, is exactly what everybody should do. Haley mentions seeing Dan, and everybody panics again. Nathan jumps in front of a police car, and manages to avoid getting tasered long enough to get an APB out. Unfortunately, it's on the wrong person, because the Nanny-not-named-Fran has Jamie in a hotel room. Her plan to usurp the role of Mommy has hit a snag, though: she has forgotten hair dye. She runs out to get some, and when she gets back, Jamie is hiding. Fran seeks, and finds - Dan. Dan constructively expresses his displeasure with Fran. Okay, he actually pins her to a wall by the throat, but maybe he feels bad about using violence to solve his problems. Okay, probably not, but at least Jamie is waiting in the car. I think. He doesn't appear to be in the room.
Back at the Scott household, everybody blames themselves. I think everybody also blames Nathan, because this season has been about how everything that goes wrong is subtly Nathan's fault. There are a lot of police, but they must all have poor eyesight or keep turning their backs at exactly the right moments, because everybody misses Jamie walking right into the middle of the room. Not only that, Dan must be one heck of an evasive driver, because every cruiser in Tree Hill is looking specifically for him, and he managed to drive across town without being spotted. Anyway, he waits long enough for Jamie to be received, then makes his own dramatic entrance. We fade out before he is tackled by every officer in the room. New episodes start in a month.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Jaw, Floor. Floor, Jaw.
It's stag party day in Tree Hill, and the fact that Nathan and Haley haven't spoken in over a week is on everybody's mind. No, seriously, that's all anyone talks about for the first five minutes. Lucas and Lindsey have a plan, though; they're going to secretly hold both of their parties in the same place. Those scamps!
Brooke sets Peyton up on with Woody's friend, so she won't have to go to this party alone. But wait! The friend turns out to be Chase, the former male leader of the Clean Teens, who lost his virginity to Brooke last season. The female head of the Clean Teens, by the way, slept with Mouth, which makes me think I'd have been more popular with the ladies in high school had I simply declared my virginity. Anyway, the situation is awkward for everyone, especially the writers, who have to explain how Woody and Chase have not put together that they both know a 22-year-old named Brooke from Tree Hill with a world famous clothing line.
Rachel plays the part of the Recovering Addict In A Television Show to a T. She looks healthy, has no needle marks whatsoever, and whiles away the hours at Brooke's house, happily discussing how she's sure she's done this time, and not trying to contact anyone, despite the fact that her phone is sitting right there on the table the whole episode. She even wants to go back to work! But then 1) Brooke won't let her be a model rightnowthisinstant, 2) Mouth won't sleep with her rightnowthisinstant, and 3) Brooke's mom tells her she sucks. Rachel skips town with a a conveniently placed envelope full of cash.
Nathan arrives at the party, which is at his own house, and Haley answers the door, and they both pretend to be surprised to see each other. "Pretend," because they both had a guess as to what Lucas and Lindsey were up to, because they've seen this show, too. They spend the evening having thirty-second awkward conversations, and resolve absolutely nothing, although by all indications Haley has backed way off the divorce talk.
Jamie spends the entire episode being disappointed that his parents won't play Rock Band with him. Jamie is an annoying child, though admittedly he'd be more annoying if he reacted to the various little disappointments of his day the way most four-year-olds react: with screaming tantrums. Instead, Jamie looks adorably sad. Fortunately, everyone in Tree Hill knows him, and they take turns feeding him cheery platitudes, especially Skills, who seems to like the kid a little too much, if you get my drift.
Oh yeah, Dan got his parole, and immediately manages to bed the cashier at a sporting-goods store. She is unfazed when he tells her, post-coitus, that he has recently been paroled and that he killed his brother. One would guess this is not the most shocking thing she has been told in bed.
Brooke finishes her evening by going to the store to... do something. She finds her mother, who has driven Rachel away and rescheduled some meeting and generally been a condescending pain in the ass. This is no different than her behavior for the past six episodes, and presumably the past two decades, but this is apparently the final straw. In our first surprise of the evening, Brooke fires her mother. Not as Mom, as president or CEO or whatever-she-was of the clothing company.
Okay, that was only mildly surprising, but we're just being setup for the big one. Haley is reading Lucas's latest book, and he's VO-ing something about Camus, and she picks up the phone. Lucas answers, and Haley says, "I needed to talk to-"
Nathan, right? She's ready for him to come home?
Nope- "you."
I might mention here that Haley is basically Lindsey's best friend in Town, and has been ready to smack both Lucas and Peyton for anything that might jeopardize Lucas's relationship with Lindsey. Why do I mention this? Well-
"You can't marry Lindsey."
OH SNAP!
Coming Tuesday: The wedding day! Will he? Will she? Will anyone hold their peace? Will Dan crash the party? It's the best birthday present EVER!
Brooke sets Peyton up on with Woody's friend, so she won't have to go to this party alone. But wait! The friend turns out to be Chase, the former male leader of the Clean Teens, who lost his virginity to Brooke last season. The female head of the Clean Teens, by the way, slept with Mouth, which makes me think I'd have been more popular with the ladies in high school had I simply declared my virginity. Anyway, the situation is awkward for everyone, especially the writers, who have to explain how Woody and Chase have not put together that they both know a 22-year-old named Brooke from Tree Hill with a world famous clothing line.
Rachel plays the part of the Recovering Addict In A Television Show to a T. She looks healthy, has no needle marks whatsoever, and whiles away the hours at Brooke's house, happily discussing how she's sure she's done this time, and not trying to contact anyone, despite the fact that her phone is sitting right there on the table the whole episode. She even wants to go back to work! But then 1) Brooke won't let her be a model rightnowthisinstant, 2) Mouth won't sleep with her rightnowthisinstant, and 3) Brooke's mom tells her she sucks. Rachel skips town with a a conveniently placed envelope full of cash.
Nathan arrives at the party, which is at his own house, and Haley answers the door, and they both pretend to be surprised to see each other. "Pretend," because they both had a guess as to what Lucas and Lindsey were up to, because they've seen this show, too. They spend the evening having thirty-second awkward conversations, and resolve absolutely nothing, although by all indications Haley has backed way off the divorce talk.
Jamie spends the entire episode being disappointed that his parents won't play Rock Band with him. Jamie is an annoying child, though admittedly he'd be more annoying if he reacted to the various little disappointments of his day the way most four-year-olds react: with screaming tantrums. Instead, Jamie looks adorably sad. Fortunately, everyone in Tree Hill knows him, and they take turns feeding him cheery platitudes, especially Skills, who seems to like the kid a little too much, if you get my drift.
Oh yeah, Dan got his parole, and immediately manages to bed the cashier at a sporting-goods store. She is unfazed when he tells her, post-coitus, that he has recently been paroled and that he killed his brother. One would guess this is not the most shocking thing she has been told in bed.
Brooke finishes her evening by going to the store to... do something. She finds her mother, who has driven Rachel away and rescheduled some meeting and generally been a condescending pain in the ass. This is no different than her behavior for the past six episodes, and presumably the past two decades, but this is apparently the final straw. In our first surprise of the evening, Brooke fires her mother. Not as Mom, as president or CEO or whatever-she-was of the clothing company.
Okay, that was only mildly surprising, but we're just being setup for the big one. Haley is reading Lucas's latest book, and he's VO-ing something about Camus, and she picks up the phone. Lucas answers, and Haley says, "I needed to talk to-"
Nathan, right? She's ready for him to come home?
Nope- "you."
I might mention here that Haley is basically Lindsey's best friend in Town, and has been ready to smack both Lucas and Peyton for anything that might jeopardize Lucas's relationship with Lindsey. Why do I mention this? Well-
"You can't marry Lindsey."
OH SNAP!
Coming Tuesday: The wedding day! Will he? Will she? Will anyone hold their peace? Will Dan crash the party? It's the best birthday present EVER!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Remember last week, when I said it would be two weeks before the Nanny went Hand That Rocks the Cradle on us? Well, I was off by a week. Nathan gets home from the basketball game we weren't shown last week, and hops in the shower. Fran, however, has been waiting naked around the corner, and hops in the shower with him. Nathan, unsurprisingly, freaks out, and kicks Fran out of the shower. Unfortunately, Haley chooses this exact moment to get home. Nathan tries to explain, but, really, what's the point? You're naked with the nanny, dude. Haley, unsurprisingly, freaks out, and kicks Fran out of the house. Then, she comes back and gives Nathan the heave-ho, too.
Peyton walks into her office to find her former boss. I'm gonna call him John, because that's actually his name. John wants to sign Mia away from Peyton, because small artists can't survive without a major label. Is this 1995? Seth Cohen could name you a couple of bands that made it on a small label. But because this show is, in so many ways, an anachronism, Mia will die without a large corporate machine behind her. Peyton and John repeat this conversation the next day, and Peyton caves in. Unfortunately, Mia chooses this exact moment to walk into the room. Mia, unsurprisingly, freaks out, and storms off, because that's what she does. This, in turn, causes John to freak out, and he offers Mia some ridonkulous deal that allows her to still be distributed on Peyton's label, and lets her retain control of her songs. In fact, it's quite similar to the deal that Death Cab allegedly has with Atlantic. Of course, they got that deal after releasing four successful albums on a small label, not after one YouTube clip of a one-song performance in a North Carolina nightclub. But I digress, because now we find out that Mia and Peyton were in cahoots! It turns out that Mia's latest nutty was staged, so that they could get the deal they wanted. Everyone is happy, and Mia goes home to pack her bags, because she's opening for Ryan Adams the next day. All over the country, high schoolers decide their homework is no longer necessary, because they can sign with a major record label if they can get one good song on the internets.
Meanwhile, it's 9:00 in the morning, and Brooke is at the bar, indulging her weird obsession with Woody. Somehow, the flirting results in both of them flying to New York for the day, which turns out to be an excuse to re-introduce us to Rachel, the hot redhead from last season. Rachel has become a heroin addict. That's bad! But Woody beats up her dealer and gives Brooke the number for a rehab clinic in New York. That's good! It turns out, though, Woody is a recovering addict himself. That's bad! But he knew someone who helped him out. That's good! Brooke ignores the number for the clinic, and brings Rachel back to Tree Hill with her. I'm not sure, but I'm going with "that's bad." By the way, I'm guessing the guy who helped Woody turns out to be Dan, because that would be totally inexplicable.
Speaking of Dan, he's up for parole! Lucas and Nathan drive to the hearing, Dan tells us all why he should get out of jail, and Lucas tells us why he shouldn't. Then, because this episode is all about secrets and lies and people walking in at the wrong time, we find out that Nathan has visited Dan at the prison. This is made out to be a big deal, because this episode is also about people overreacting to things that Nathan does. The entire parole hearing seems to be a plot device to get Nathan and Lucas to talk about what it means to be a good husband and father, and for Lucas to tell Nathan that he just needs to suck it up and apologize for Fran being a nutjob. After all, it was his fault Haley hired a nanny after a ninety-second interview without checking any references.
Anywho, Nathan goes home and apologizes. This fails miserably, because Fran has told Haley about the kissing and the skinny-dipping and that Nathan knew about all of it, and did not tell his wife. This, admittedly, is Nathan's fault. It is also his fault that he sends his son out to play by the pool at night while he argues with his wife. Jamie falls in the pool, Nathan saves him, Haley freaks out and asks for a divorce. Tune in next week, when nothing will be resolved, except possibly the reason that a bartender from North Carolina knows how to contact a clinic in Manhattan.
Peyton walks into her office to find her former boss. I'm gonna call him John, because that's actually his name. John wants to sign Mia away from Peyton, because small artists can't survive without a major label. Is this 1995? Seth Cohen could name you a couple of bands that made it on a small label. But because this show is, in so many ways, an anachronism, Mia will die without a large corporate machine behind her. Peyton and John repeat this conversation the next day, and Peyton caves in. Unfortunately, Mia chooses this exact moment to walk into the room. Mia, unsurprisingly, freaks out, and storms off, because that's what she does. This, in turn, causes John to freak out, and he offers Mia some ridonkulous deal that allows her to still be distributed on Peyton's label, and lets her retain control of her songs. In fact, it's quite similar to the deal that Death Cab allegedly has with Atlantic. Of course, they got that deal after releasing four successful albums on a small label, not after one YouTube clip of a one-song performance in a North Carolina nightclub. But I digress, because now we find out that Mia and Peyton were in cahoots! It turns out that Mia's latest nutty was staged, so that they could get the deal they wanted. Everyone is happy, and Mia goes home to pack her bags, because she's opening for Ryan Adams the next day. All over the country, high schoolers decide their homework is no longer necessary, because they can sign with a major record label if they can get one good song on the internets.
Meanwhile, it's 9:00 in the morning, and Brooke is at the bar, indulging her weird obsession with Woody. Somehow, the flirting results in both of them flying to New York for the day, which turns out to be an excuse to re-introduce us to Rachel, the hot redhead from last season. Rachel has become a heroin addict. That's bad! But Woody beats up her dealer and gives Brooke the number for a rehab clinic in New York. That's good! It turns out, though, Woody is a recovering addict himself. That's bad! But he knew someone who helped him out. That's good! Brooke ignores the number for the clinic, and brings Rachel back to Tree Hill with her. I'm not sure, but I'm going with "that's bad." By the way, I'm guessing the guy who helped Woody turns out to be Dan, because that would be totally inexplicable.
Speaking of Dan, he's up for parole! Lucas and Nathan drive to the hearing, Dan tells us all why he should get out of jail, and Lucas tells us why he shouldn't. Then, because this episode is all about secrets and lies and people walking in at the wrong time, we find out that Nathan has visited Dan at the prison. This is made out to be a big deal, because this episode is also about people overreacting to things that Nathan does. The entire parole hearing seems to be a plot device to get Nathan and Lucas to talk about what it means to be a good husband and father, and for Lucas to tell Nathan that he just needs to suck it up and apologize for Fran being a nutjob. After all, it was his fault Haley hired a nanny after a ninety-second interview without checking any references.
Anywho, Nathan goes home and apologizes. This fails miserably, because Fran has told Haley about the kissing and the skinny-dipping and that Nathan knew about all of it, and did not tell his wife. This, admittedly, is Nathan's fault. It is also his fault that he sends his son out to play by the pool at night while he argues with his wife. Jamie falls in the pool, Nathan saves him, Haley freaks out and asks for a divorce. Tune in next week, when nothing will be resolved, except possibly the reason that a bartender from North Carolina knows how to contact a clinic in Manhattan.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Kitten Fight. Kitten Fight.
Previously, on One Tree Hill: Lots of things happened. People got shot, people made out, I don't recognize much of it, but apparently someone named Jimmy died.
It's the morning of the first Tree Hill basketball game, and Nathan is feeling guilty. He tries to tell Haley that Fran is a first-class nutjob, but Fran, shockingly, pops up at this exact moment to announce that she's been accepted into grad school. She's giving her two weeks notice, which means we've got two weeks until she goes Peyton Flanders on us.
Speaking of women named Peyton, the one on this show is taking Mia to the basketball game, and takes her on a tour of the school, because Mia has never been inside a high school, I guess. Several minutes later, Brooke and Haley take Lindsey on a tour of the school as well. "And over here is the White Room! That used to be my locker! Isn't this thrilling?" Anywho, the ladies all run into each other in the library, and Peyton and Lindsey start the verbal gymnastics. When the groups try to separate, they discover that there is a work order to fix the door handles on Monday morning, and the doors cannot be opened from the inside. The absurdity of this fact, and the fact that there is no other means of exiting the school library, is not discussed.
Despite the fact that this is 2008, only one person has a cell phone, and it is not charged. The library computer has an internet connection, so of course the ladies go with the obvious plan: order a pizza so that the delivery guy can get them out. That was the plan you thought of, right?
Lindsey and Peyton continue their verbal sparring. I sit on the edge of the couch, slugging down bourbon and yelling, "hit her! Hit her!" They do not come to blows. Mia tries to bring everyone together with song, because there happens to be a guitar in the library, and she's had this riff in her head all week. Of course, the whole time she's playing it, I keep expecting her to suddenly announce that she's sleeping with Matt Damon (link NSFW, as if you didn't know). Mia, honey, that tune's been in everyone's head all week.
There's more arguing, more drinking (did I mention they found a bottle of booze in the library? Of course they did), and finally Peyton makes fun of Lindsey's dad, which is the last straw, because you know her dad's dead. Well, you probably didn't, but now you do, and so do the rest of us, and Lindsey cries, and Peyton feels bad because her mom is dead, and they have a big weepy make-up dialogue. I sit on the edge of the couch, yelling, "kiss her! Kiss her!" Lindsey and Peyton do not make out. I throw my bourbon at the television.
Next week: Lucas's and Nathan's father is up for parole, after serving over four years for murdering his brother. Will he get out? Will Jamie be forced to meet his grandfather? Will any of us care? Tune in next week, or you'll miss the excitement!
It's the morning of the first Tree Hill basketball game, and Nathan is feeling guilty. He tries to tell Haley that Fran is a first-class nutjob, but Fran, shockingly, pops up at this exact moment to announce that she's been accepted into grad school. She's giving her two weeks notice, which means we've got two weeks until she goes Peyton Flanders on us.
Speaking of women named Peyton, the one on this show is taking Mia to the basketball game, and takes her on a tour of the school, because Mia has never been inside a high school, I guess. Several minutes later, Brooke and Haley take Lindsey on a tour of the school as well. "And over here is the White Room! That used to be my locker! Isn't this thrilling?" Anywho, the ladies all run into each other in the library, and Peyton and Lindsey start the verbal gymnastics. When the groups try to separate, they discover that there is a work order to fix the door handles on Monday morning, and the doors cannot be opened from the inside. The absurdity of this fact, and the fact that there is no other means of exiting the school library, is not discussed.
Despite the fact that this is 2008, only one person has a cell phone, and it is not charged. The library computer has an internet connection, so of course the ladies go with the obvious plan: order a pizza so that the delivery guy can get them out. That was the plan you thought of, right?
Lindsey and Peyton continue their verbal sparring. I sit on the edge of the couch, slugging down bourbon and yelling, "hit her! Hit her!" They do not come to blows. Mia tries to bring everyone together with song, because there happens to be a guitar in the library, and she's had this riff in her head all week. Of course, the whole time she's playing it, I keep expecting her to suddenly announce that she's sleeping with Matt Damon (link NSFW, as if you didn't know). Mia, honey, that tune's been in everyone's head all week.
There's more arguing, more drinking (did I mention they found a bottle of booze in the library? Of course they did), and finally Peyton makes fun of Lindsey's dad, which is the last straw, because you know her dad's dead. Well, you probably didn't, but now you do, and so do the rest of us, and Lindsey cries, and Peyton feels bad because her mom is dead, and they have a big weepy make-up dialogue. I sit on the edge of the couch, yelling, "kiss her! Kiss her!" Lindsey and Peyton do not make out. I throw my bourbon at the television.
Next week: Lucas's and Nathan's father is up for parole, after serving over four years for murdering his brother. Will he get out? Will Jamie be forced to meet his grandfather? Will any of us care? Tune in next week, or you'll miss the excitement!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I'll Send All My Lovin' to You
Let's catch up with the denizens of Tree Hill, NC, shall we?
We begin with Lucas proposing to Lindsey in order to keep her from leaving. Literally; she tells him goodbye, she's walking out the door, he grabs her hand and proposes, she melts. If this move actually worked, I'd be marrying my last girlfriend. Fortunately for all concerned, it only works on television. Lucas suggests getting married as soon as possible, presumably so that we can get to the episode where Lindsey leaves him at the altar before the end of this season. Incidentally, while Lindsey isn't an unlikeable character, we've been given absolutely no reason to care about her, which is why I'm fairly certain she won't actually be Mrs. Scott (at least, not for long).
Peyton, of course, is devastated, but when she goes to the high school to confront Lucas, she runs into a girl who lives in her closet, or something like that. Anyway, this girl comes out of the closet long enough to give Peyton the strength to tell Lucas she's letting him go. At least for this week.
The recently-fired Mouth arrives at work and packs his desk. But wait! The crew member in charge of exposition stops by and informs him that Alice, in fact, has been fired. Unfortunately, she's been fired for sleeping with a subordinate. Mouth continues packing. But wait! It seems the subordinate in question was the evening anchor. In fact, Alice has nailed most of the staff (including the Exposition Grip), and many staff members knew about her affairs with many other staff members. This raises two questions:
1) Where did she find the time?
2) How are the higher-ups just now finding out about this?
With Alice out of the picture, Mouth is free to pursue Millicent. Unfortunately, the weirdness at the club causes her to reject him -- for about thirty seconds. They go on a date at the TV station, and there's some philosophy about the similarities between sports and ballet, and then Millicent tells Mouth to close his eyes so she can kiss him. Aw.
Nathan continues to not avoid the nanny named Fran. This week, he tells Fran bluntly to stop flirting with him. Fran, of course, interprets this as, "step up your efforts to seduce me," and faithfully obeys, finally getting Nathan to close his eyes so she can kiss him. Can we get to the episode where she tries to kill Haley already? We all know it's coming.
Haley is still mad at everybody. It's good to have the girl who was married at 17 and gave birth on Prom Night as the moral center of your show.
Finally, Brooke is still trying to date the bartender, who I'm just gonna call Woody. To his credit, he's having none of it, though he does have some fun messing with her head. However, he isn't prepared for Brooke's secret weapon: she shows up naked in his back seat. Woody relents, and agrees to sleep with her, at which point Brooke informs him that she's not that easy, and leaves (fully dressed, it would appear). In my head, Jens Lekman's "Get Away From Me, Psycho Girl" plays.
Next week: women are inexplicably locked in a classroom or library or somewhere else where there's no good reason for them to a) be b) not be able to easily exit. Catfight ensues.
We begin with Lucas proposing to Lindsey in order to keep her from leaving. Literally; she tells him goodbye, she's walking out the door, he grabs her hand and proposes, she melts. If this move actually worked, I'd be marrying my last girlfriend. Fortunately for all concerned, it only works on television. Lucas suggests getting married as soon as possible, presumably so that we can get to the episode where Lindsey leaves him at the altar before the end of this season. Incidentally, while Lindsey isn't an unlikeable character, we've been given absolutely no reason to care about her, which is why I'm fairly certain she won't actually be Mrs. Scott (at least, not for long).
Peyton, of course, is devastated, but when she goes to the high school to confront Lucas, she runs into a girl who lives in her closet, or something like that. Anyway, this girl comes out of the closet long enough to give Peyton the strength to tell Lucas she's letting him go. At least for this week.
The recently-fired Mouth arrives at work and packs his desk. But wait! The crew member in charge of exposition stops by and informs him that Alice, in fact, has been fired. Unfortunately, she's been fired for sleeping with a subordinate. Mouth continues packing. But wait! It seems the subordinate in question was the evening anchor. In fact, Alice has nailed most of the staff (including the Exposition Grip), and many staff members knew about her affairs with many other staff members. This raises two questions:
1) Where did she find the time?
2) How are the higher-ups just now finding out about this?
With Alice out of the picture, Mouth is free to pursue Millicent. Unfortunately, the weirdness at the club causes her to reject him -- for about thirty seconds. They go on a date at the TV station, and there's some philosophy about the similarities between sports and ballet, and then Millicent tells Mouth to close his eyes so she can kiss him. Aw.
Nathan continues to not avoid the nanny named Fran. This week, he tells Fran bluntly to stop flirting with him. Fran, of course, interprets this as, "step up your efforts to seduce me," and faithfully obeys, finally getting Nathan to close his eyes so she can kiss him. Can we get to the episode where she tries to kill Haley already? We all know it's coming.
Haley is still mad at everybody. It's good to have the girl who was married at 17 and gave birth on Prom Night as the moral center of your show.
Finally, Brooke is still trying to date the bartender, who I'm just gonna call Woody. To his credit, he's having none of it, though he does have some fun messing with her head. However, he isn't prepared for Brooke's secret weapon: she shows up naked in his back seat. Woody relents, and agrees to sleep with her, at which point Brooke informs him that she's not that easy, and leaves (fully dressed, it would appear). In my head, Jens Lekman's "Get Away From Me, Psycho Girl" plays.
Next week: women are inexplicably locked in a classroom or library or somewhere else where there's no good reason for them to a) be b) not be able to easily exit. Catfight ensues.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Two Girls For Every Boy
Conclusions I reached last night:
1) The existence of mint juleps is a strong argument in favor of a Benevolent Creator.
2) This week's episode of One Tree Hill is gold. Pure gold!
This season of OTH has kind of sucked. I mean, even relative to the bar set by previous seasons. But last night was a truly Spelling-esque effort, a sudsy masterwork to rival the best drama The O.C. ever gave us. Oh, the subplots! Let's recap:
1) Peyton loves Lucas. Lindsey loves Lucas. Lucas probably loves Peyton, but claims he loves Lindsey. This leads to both women getting in arguments with Lucas, and avoiding each other. Fortunately, the cool-headed Lucas ends both arguments by making out with Peyton, then immediately driving home and proposing to Lindsey. Hilarity will, no doubt, ensue.
2) Meanwhile, Peyton asks Mia, the one act currently signed to her fledgling record label, to play one song to open for tonight's band. Mia, because she has been browbeaten by her ex-bandleader (played by the one and only Kevin Federline, in what will no doubt be his magnum opus) into believing she is untalented, freaks out. After Peyton and Haley convince Mia to go on stage anyway, she freezes (shocking!), until (wait for it!) K-Fed begins heckling her from the audience, at which point she belts out an awesome song, because she is Kate Voegele, our musical version of Laney Boggs.
3) Speaking of Laney Boggs, Brooke has set her assistant Millicent up with Mouth. Millicent is an absurdly gorgeous woman, who the OTH brain trust makes us believe is actually mousy and unattractive, by a) having her wear square-framed glasses b) dressing her in last season's designer clothes (thus making her "frumpy") c) standing her next to Sophia Bush as often as possible (admittedly, this is effective). What Mouth doesn't know is that this is a date. What Millicent and Brooke don't know is that Mouth is sleeping with his boss, Alice. What no one knows is that Alice has followed Mouth to the club, and gives him the "get away from that mousy girl and keep sleeping with me or you're fired" speech over the course of the evening. After awkwardly driving Millicent away, Mouth finds his testicles (apparently, Brooke has had them for years) and tells Alice he's fired.
4) Nathan, having been promised a major sexing-up after the gang's bar trip, proceeds to not drink. He also proceeds to not avoid the increasingly slutty nanny, whom I will henceforth refer to as Fran, because I cannot remember her name. At one point, Fran hands Nathan a typed memo which reads, "Dear Sir: I am trying to seduce you and replace your wife." Nathan responds by telegram, "I do find you attractive stop however I am married and think of you mainly as an employee stop." Both parties miss the subtext, and Nathan's polite, strained conversation is somehow interpreted as flirting. The evening ends with Nathan almost getting in a fight with K-Fed, and with us being unsubtly reminded that Nathan's last bar fight cost him his NBA career and left him in a wheelchair for months. Also, the high school basketball star who has been drinking in the bar all night in front of his coaches clocks K-Fed; this results in absolutely no consequences for anyone but Federline, who is hauled out of the club by security. Fran inexplicably comes home with Nathan and Haley despite the fact that the kid is staying overnight somewhere else, gets Nathan another copy of that memo, and goes skinny dipping. Nathan is left to ponder Fran's incredible subtlety after Haley denies him the previously promised sexing-up.
5) Haley is mad at everybody. Fortunately, she's a high school teacher, so she'll be able to take out her frustrations on her students all week.
6) Brooke sits in the middle of everything and tries to fix everyone's problems. As a result, Peyton is heartbroken, Lucas has proposed marriage as a means of ending an argument, and Mouth is out of a job. Well done, Brooke. But Miss Davis has problems of her own, you see. Her domineering mother (remember when Daphne Zuniga was taking cross-country trips with John Cusack? It shocks me that she's the "middle-aged mom" character now) is at the club, in full cougar mode, and it's a little embarrassing. There's something about their fashion company, too, but this isn't a show about business; toss in a line about scheduling a conference call, and no one will care too much about the fact that no one seems to spend any time actually working. Also, she's trying to date the bartender, who is actually fixing everyone's problems. Granted, with mind-numbing intoxicants, but sometimes alcohol is the answer, yes?
Will Lucas and Lindsey get married? Will Nathan be able to resist Fran's advances? Will Millicent remove her glasses and make everyone realize she's a princess? Will Skills get any screen time? Tune in next week for more drama!
1) The existence of mint juleps is a strong argument in favor of a Benevolent Creator.
2) This week's episode of One Tree Hill is gold. Pure gold!
This season of OTH has kind of sucked. I mean, even relative to the bar set by previous seasons. But last night was a truly Spelling-esque effort, a sudsy masterwork to rival the best drama The O.C. ever gave us. Oh, the subplots! Let's recap:
1) Peyton loves Lucas. Lindsey loves Lucas. Lucas probably loves Peyton, but claims he loves Lindsey. This leads to both women getting in arguments with Lucas, and avoiding each other. Fortunately, the cool-headed Lucas ends both arguments by making out with Peyton, then immediately driving home and proposing to Lindsey. Hilarity will, no doubt, ensue.
2) Meanwhile, Peyton asks Mia, the one act currently signed to her fledgling record label, to play one song to open for tonight's band. Mia, because she has been browbeaten by her ex-bandleader (played by the one and only Kevin Federline, in what will no doubt be his magnum opus) into believing she is untalented, freaks out. After Peyton and Haley convince Mia to go on stage anyway, she freezes (shocking!), until (wait for it!) K-Fed begins heckling her from the audience, at which point she belts out an awesome song, because she is Kate Voegele, our musical version of Laney Boggs.
3) Speaking of Laney Boggs, Brooke has set her assistant Millicent up with Mouth. Millicent is an absurdly gorgeous woman, who the OTH brain trust makes us believe is actually mousy and unattractive, by a) having her wear square-framed glasses b) dressing her in last season's designer clothes (thus making her "frumpy") c) standing her next to Sophia Bush as often as possible (admittedly, this is effective). What Mouth doesn't know is that this is a date. What Millicent and Brooke don't know is that Mouth is sleeping with his boss, Alice. What no one knows is that Alice has followed Mouth to the club, and gives him the "get away from that mousy girl and keep sleeping with me or you're fired" speech over the course of the evening. After awkwardly driving Millicent away, Mouth finds his testicles (apparently, Brooke has had them for years) and tells Alice he's fired.
4) Nathan, having been promised a major sexing-up after the gang's bar trip, proceeds to not drink. He also proceeds to not avoid the increasingly slutty nanny, whom I will henceforth refer to as Fran, because I cannot remember her name. At one point, Fran hands Nathan a typed memo which reads, "Dear Sir: I am trying to seduce you and replace your wife." Nathan responds by telegram, "I do find you attractive stop however I am married and think of you mainly as an employee stop." Both parties miss the subtext, and Nathan's polite, strained conversation is somehow interpreted as flirting. The evening ends with Nathan almost getting in a fight with K-Fed, and with us being unsubtly reminded that Nathan's last bar fight cost him his NBA career and left him in a wheelchair for months. Also, the high school basketball star who has been drinking in the bar all night in front of his coaches clocks K-Fed; this results in absolutely no consequences for anyone but Federline, who is hauled out of the club by security. Fran inexplicably comes home with Nathan and Haley despite the fact that the kid is staying overnight somewhere else, gets Nathan another copy of that memo, and goes skinny dipping. Nathan is left to ponder Fran's incredible subtlety after Haley denies him the previously promised sexing-up.
5) Haley is mad at everybody. Fortunately, she's a high school teacher, so she'll be able to take out her frustrations on her students all week.
6) Brooke sits in the middle of everything and tries to fix everyone's problems. As a result, Peyton is heartbroken, Lucas has proposed marriage as a means of ending an argument, and Mouth is out of a job. Well done, Brooke. But Miss Davis has problems of her own, you see. Her domineering mother (remember when Daphne Zuniga was taking cross-country trips with John Cusack? It shocks me that she's the "middle-aged mom" character now) is at the club, in full cougar mode, and it's a little embarrassing. There's something about their fashion company, too, but this isn't a show about business; toss in a line about scheduling a conference call, and no one will care too much about the fact that no one seems to spend any time actually working. Also, she's trying to date the bartender, who is actually fixing everyone's problems. Granted, with mind-numbing intoxicants, but sometimes alcohol is the answer, yes?
Will Lucas and Lindsey get married? Will Nathan be able to resist Fran's advances? Will Millicent remove her glasses and make everyone realize she's a princess? Will Skills get any screen time? Tune in next week for more drama!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)