Two Girls For Every Boy

Conclusions I reached last night:

1) The existence of mint juleps is a strong argument in favor of a Benevolent Creator.
2) This week's episode of One Tree Hill is gold. Pure gold!

This season of OTH has kind of sucked. I mean, even relative to the bar set by previous seasons. But last night was a truly Spelling-esque effort, a sudsy masterwork to rival the best drama The O.C. ever gave us. Oh, the subplots! Let's recap:
1) Peyton loves Lucas. Lindsey loves Lucas. Lucas probably loves Peyton, but claims he loves Lindsey. This leads to both women getting in arguments with Lucas, and avoiding each other. Fortunately, the cool-headed Lucas ends both arguments by making out with Peyton, then immediately driving home and proposing to Lindsey. Hilarity will, no doubt, ensue.
2) Meanwhile, Peyton asks Mia, the one act currently signed to her fledgling record label, to play one song to open for tonight's band. Mia, because she has been browbeaten by her ex-bandleader (played by the one and only Kevin Federline, in what will no doubt be his magnum opus) into believing she is untalented, freaks out. After Peyton and Haley convince Mia to go on stage anyway, she freezes (shocking!), until (wait for it!) K-Fed begins heckling her from the audience, at which point she belts out an awesome song, because she is Kate Voegele, our musical version of Laney Boggs.
3) Speaking of Laney Boggs, Brooke has set her assistant Millicent up with Mouth. Millicent is an absurdly gorgeous woman, who the OTH brain trust makes us believe is actually mousy and unattractive, by a) having her wear square-framed glasses b) dressing her in last season's designer clothes (thus making her "frumpy") c) standing her next to Sophia Bush as often as possible (admittedly, this is effective). What Mouth doesn't know is that this is a date. What Millicent and Brooke don't know is that Mouth is sleeping with his boss, Alice. What no one knows is that Alice has followed Mouth to the club, and gives him the "get away from that mousy girl and keep sleeping with me or you're fired" speech over the course of the evening. After awkwardly driving Millicent away, Mouth finds his testicles (apparently, Brooke has had them for years) and tells Alice he's fired.
4) Nathan, having been promised a major sexing-up after the gang's bar trip, proceeds to not drink. He also proceeds to not avoid the increasingly slutty nanny, whom I will henceforth refer to as Fran, because I cannot remember her name. At one point, Fran hands Nathan a typed memo which reads, "Dear Sir: I am trying to seduce you and replace your wife." Nathan responds by telegram, "I do find you attractive stop however I am married and think of you mainly as an employee stop." Both parties miss the subtext, and Nathan's polite, strained conversation is somehow interpreted as flirting. The evening ends with Nathan almost getting in a fight with K-Fed, and with us being unsubtly reminded that Nathan's last bar fight cost him his NBA career and left him in a wheelchair for months. Also, the high school basketball star who has been drinking in the bar all night in front of his coaches clocks K-Fed; this results in absolutely no consequences for anyone but Federline, who is hauled out of the club by security. Fran inexplicably comes home with Nathan and Haley despite the fact that the kid is staying overnight somewhere else, gets Nathan another copy of that memo, and goes skinny dipping. Nathan is left to ponder Fran's incredible subtlety after Haley denies him the previously promised sexing-up.
5) Haley is mad at everybody. Fortunately, she's a high school teacher, so she'll be able to take out her frustrations on her students all week.
6) Brooke sits in the middle of everything and tries to fix everyone's problems. As a result, Peyton is heartbroken, Lucas has proposed marriage as a means of ending an argument, and Mouth is out of a job. Well done, Brooke. But Miss Davis has problems of her own, you see. Her domineering mother (remember when Daphne Zuniga was taking cross-country trips with John Cusack? It shocks me that she's the "middle-aged mom" character now) is at the club, in full cougar mode, and it's a little embarrassing. There's something about their fashion company, too, but this isn't a show about business; toss in a line about scheduling a conference call, and no one will care too much about the fact that no one seems to spend any time actually working. Also, she's trying to date the bartender, who is actually fixing everyone's problems. Granted, with mind-numbing intoxicants, but sometimes alcohol is the answer, yes?

Will Lucas and Lindsey get married? Will Nathan be able to resist Fran's advances? Will Millicent remove her glasses and make everyone realize she's a princess? Will Skills get any screen time? Tune in next week for more drama!