The L.A. Times reports that Michael Jackson has died. Someone will come up with a conspiracy theory fairly quickly; this is my attempt to beat everyone else to it. The following statement is entirely fabricated.
As everyone knows, Elvis faked his death back in 1977, and has since been living a comfortable retirement on a South Pacific island. What you may not know, however, is that Presley actually passed away last month at the age of 74. In an auction attended only by members of the Pentavirate (Jacko joined shortly after the release of Bad, filling the void left by Colonel Sanders a decade earlier), Jackson purchased Presley's island, and has faked his own death to retire to same.
The members of Duke Phillips Preschool wishes to send their condolences and prayers to Jackson's family.